As a bisexual man with a high sex drive in a straight and gay world, it has caused me to do some things that I am not so proud of (and at other times things I was proud of).
Whether it’s hooking up with that guy on Grindr or having a spur-of-the-moment romp with a woman I barely know, it can (and usually does) have consequences for the actions taken. For some it’s alcohol and for others, it might be drugs or compulsive buying. For me, I border on sex addition. Not hooking up – more the orgasm. I typically need to masturbate at least once or twice a day for up to an hour at a time. Regardless of what your action or abuse is, you ultimately have to own up to it. Maybe not with a friend, family member, or even a spouse, but you have to find a way to reconcile your choice in your own head. There are many decisions I’ve made that have nothing to do with sex, but in this instance, I’m using sex as my primary discussion. And it is of this consequence that I am speaking of.
I am very lucky to never have gotten any serious STDs given the number of people I’ve been with though I have had my share of pregnancies (there were never any unwanted pregnancies in that list, fortunately). At my age now, I do not feel as inclined to do actions that put myself at risk as I used to, though it happens from time to time. However, being an exhibitionist, there are plenty of things that could have not only resulted in disease but also incarceration for indecent exposure (let me quickly state that I find it disgusting how America views public nudity and sex). That is not to say that the desire and burn are still not there… they are. But I am at least now comfortable keeping those desires at bay (most of the time). And fortunately, I am now with a partner who is willing to let my wild side loose once in a while.
The one thing I have a hard time reconciling with is the deplorable choices I have made at times. Choosing to cheat on a partner or a spouse just get an orgasm. Participating in an adult film(s) could have far-reaching consequences if my day job or some of my family members found out (those who matter most in my life already know I have done it). More than anything, I risk my reputation and often my sanity (due to the internal turmoil it causes) with some of these decisions.
Once you go down a path, you can’t take it away. I can’t unsee or undo the people that I kissed, fucked, or ejaculated inside of. It simply was something that happened and can’t be undone. Granted most of my problems are with morals (due to my upbringing). But I frequently find myself asking, was what I did immoral? Did it make me less of a person? Was cheating on my partner/spouse worth it? What if they found out? Why did I do it? Will I need to do it again? Can I stop doing it forever? Perhaps the most important question is: Why does the choice bother me?
There are a million questions I find myself asking and many sleepless nights I’ve had to mull over the choices I have made in my life.
I suppose my biggest concern, is getting old and letting these personal secrets come into the open because of dementia or loss of my mental faculties. In the immediate, I am most concerned with trying to find a way to be at peace with my choices. Finding a way to suppress any internal haunting that occurs. I would be lying if I said that a large number of these choices/consequences go along the grain of human-animal instincts but are in direct conflict with societal standards and morality. Maybe the question we should all be asking is: Why are our physical instincts in such direct conflict with our societal standards and morality? What caused us to evolve to the point that what we want and feel cannot be appropriate in our world?
